Dr. Warren FarrellWhy Men Are the Way They Are

Why Men Are the Way They Are


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Selected Quotes from Warren Farrell’s Why Men Are the Way They Are

     
“Most women’s ideal is to not be sexual until nine conditions are met: physical attraction; respect; emotional compatibility; intelligence; singleness; success (or “potential”); being asked out; being paid for; and the man risking rejection by initiating the first kiss…. Men want sex as long as only one condition is met—physical attraction.” P. 13

     
“The problem is that by the time they have sex, he’s also fulfilled her conditions for a long term relationship, but she has not necessarily fulfilled any more than one of his conditions for a long term relationship. So they have sex, he doesn’t call in the morning and she misinterprets that as being the male version of “he saw; he came; he conquered; he’s gone.” Chapter 1


     
“The best-selling magazines to men are Playboy and Penthouse. These represent men’s primary fantasy: access to as many beautiful women as desired without risk of rejection. The best-selling magazines to women are Better Homes and Gardens and Family Circle, representing the female primary fantasy: better homes and gardens and a family circle.” P. 18

     
“Commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up. In exchange for forfeiting his primary fantasy, what does he hope to fulfill? His primary need: intimacy.” P.150

     
“Cosmopolitan is the best-selling magazine to single women. Cosmo tells single women how they can get a man to commit and achieve her primary fantasy of better homes and gardens. It’s the single female’s version of Playboy. Pornography is the male primary fantasy--access to as many beautiful women as desired without risk of rejection--at a price he can afford!” P. 18

     
“Women read relationship books more than men in part because, historically, relationship books were women’s source of income—so relationship books were also business books. Men read business books more than women in part because, historically, being good at business was a prerequisite to having a relationship—so business books were also relationship books.” Chapter 1



     
“How can I call security a woman's primary fantasy if I am saying it is also her primary need? Because while her primary need is the security of a home and a family circle, her primary fantasy is that someone else will earn enough to pay for them. Hence the focus of 2 billion women on the latest royal wedding." P. 16


     
"When women's consciousness was raised, women ended up seeing housework as their "shit work"; when men's consciousness is raised, risking sexual rejection will be seen as the male "shit work"." 123


     
"Alan Alda is loved not because he's sensitive, but because he's successful and sensitive." 134


     
"One danger of a man succeeding is that it teaches his wife and daughter not to worry about success." 148


     
"A man cannot tell whether a woman is in love with him or his security blanket until she is financially and psychologically independent enough to leave. Until a woman has learned how to leave, even she cannot be sure she has learned to love." 182


     
"A single woman who supports herself is called a career woman, while a single man who supports himself is called a playboy…Ironically, a woman who commits and becomes financially dependent is considered more mature than a man who does not commit but is financially independent." 154


     
“When men give lines, women learn to not trust men. When women wear makeup, men learn to not trust women. Male “lines” and female makeup are divorce training.” P. 71-72

     
“Male makeup is men’s titles, status and paying for dates. Makeup is what both sexes use to bridge the gap between the power they have and the power they’d like to have. Both male and female makeup are compensations for feelings of powerlessness." 215

     
"Both sexes work on their "lines" before they appear onstage. His lines are a lifetime of work; her introductory 'line' is her appearance--or her lack of lines. Just as careers give men power, so beauty gives women power. But just as the comparison between herself and the most beautiful women makes a woman feel powerless, so the comparison between himself and the most successful men makes a man feel powerless." 106

     
“Men give the same lines to different women for the same reason women wear the same perfume for different men; we all try the things that work.” P.246



     
"When men in relationships have more money, we say they have the power. When women in relationships have more money, we say they are being used." 218


     
"Unless a woman asks men out (the first time) as often as men ask her out, then the assertion "He asked me out, therefore he pays" is just a double jeopardy of the male role: he must not only do the asking, he must pay extra for risking extra rejection." 277


     
"Until recently, the question was 'Why can't a woman be more like a man?' It should have been changed to 'Why can't both sexes be more like the best parts of each other?' Instead, the pendulum swung to the 1960s feminist lapel button "Adam Was a First Draft." True enough. So are we all." 310


     
"Men will not change as long as women ‘marry up.’ Men won't change until we have a perspective on how powerless power makes us. A woman cannot help a man change until she has a perspective on how powerless power makes men. 314


     
"For the first time in human history the psychology that is a prerequisite for intimacy has become the psychology that is a prerequisite for species survival." 371


     
"When divorces meant marriage no longer provided security for a lifetime, women adjusted by focusing on careers as empowerment. But when the sacrifice of a career met the sacrifices in a career, the fantasy of a career became the reality of trade-offs. Women developed career ambivalence.” 101


     
"From the male perspective, when commitment is associated with diamonds and mortgages, promises of love can feel like promises of payment." 103


     
"[M]en who work to make it as computer whizzes or owners of black Porsches[...] are confused when they're told they are not vulnerable enough. We can't fall in love with men who appear invulnerable and expect vulnerability. Why did he want a black Porsche? Because he never saw an ugly woman get out of one." 106


     
“Fear of emotional contact with men out of fear of being a “sexual suspect” makes boys, ironically, even more powerless before girls. Homophobia is like telling the United States it will be a “sissy nation” if it doesn’t get all its oil from OPEC.” P.128


     
“The rules of sexism do not free men from the terror of violence; they only keep men from complaining about it.” P.232


     
“He gets sex, she gets sex; if that is considered unequal, no wonder men are afraid of commitment.” P. 240


     
“I would suggest that just as women who make it in the world of business need male business mentors, perhaps men who make it in the world of emotions will need female emotional mentors.” P. 317


     
“Our choice of partners is one of the clearest statements about our choice of values.” P.341


     
“Only when a woman shares male risks can she really begin to understand men.” P.355


     
“Our love for children is so immediate in part because we feel their powerlessness immediately; conversely, part of the way we deny our love for men is by denying men’s powerlessness. Too often we have confused love for men with respect for them, especially for their power to take care of us---which is really just love for ourselves.” P 360


     
"Was it possible for the sexes to hear each other without saying, "My powerlessness is greater than your powerlessness"? It was becoming obvious each sex had a unique experience of both power and powerlessness. In my mind's eye I began to visualize a "listening matrix" as a framework within which we could hear these different experiences. It looked like this:

LISTENING MATRIX

-----------------------------------------------------------
Female experience | Male experience
of powerlessness | of powerlessness
-----------------------------------------------------------
Female experience | Male experience
of power | of power
-----------------------------------------------------------

As I looked more carefully at the listening matrix I saw that during the past twenty years we had taken a magnifying glass to the first of these four quadrants, the female experience of powerlessness. I saw I was subconsciously making a false assumption: The more deeply I understood women's experience of powerlessness, the more I assumed men had the power women did not have. In fact, what I was understanding was the female experience of male power." xx-xxi


     
"Sexism is discounting the female experience of powerlessness; the new sexism is discounting the male experience of powerlessness." 194


     
"Is loving men contradictory to feminism? Hardly. Every true feminist, I believe, is deepened and matured by being also a masculinist--a person who understands the male search for equality and approval as the male experiences it. As is every masculinist deepened by being a feminist (a person who understands the female search for equality and approval as the female experiences it." 368


     
"Ralph had lost real power by trying to gain the appearance of power. He was a leader. But he was following "a program for leaders"; therefore, he was a follower... he was, as he put it, a "high-level mediocre."" 9


     
"In San Diego there is a highly popular course called "How to Marry Money." Note that the marriage is to money--not to a person. I inquired about the percentage of men attending... 'The course is really for women,' [the instructor replied,] 'it's not relevant to men.'" 43


     
"The 'enduring theme' [in fiction] of male competition and female competition for the hero/survivor has taken us from the fittest surviving to the brink of no one surviving. Sex roles have gone from functional to dysfunctional almost overnight. This is why the enduring theme must be questioned now." 91


     
"Perhaps the most prevailing expectation of men is our Superman expectation: the fear we are merely Clark Kents who won't be accepted unless we are a Superman.” 96


     
“Together, we came to understand how we beg men to express feelings, but then when men do express feelings, we call it sexism, male chauvinism, or backlash.” — XXVII


     
“He and she become selective at different points; she can be selective when he wants his primary fantasy — sex; he can be selective when she wants her primary fantasy — commitment.” — P.105


     
“Male Message 1 is subconsciously experienced by the boy like this: ‘Some girls in my class already look like movie stars. If they wanted me as much as I want them, then I’d know I was okay. They are genetic celebrities. I am a genetic groupie.’” — P.111


     
“Men tuned into women but not tuned into their own hurts usually retained the attitude that women needed special protection.” P. xxii


     
“Women’s vulnerability confessing their desire to see men as a success object is matched by men’s confession of compulsiveness of sexual desire for women.” P. xxvi


     
“The Female Western is the battle between the good and evil methods of getting the men who perform best.” P. 73


     
“From evening soaps to preteen romances, [the message is that] inner values are for losers.” P.73


     
“When women are at the height of their beauty power and exercise it, we call it marriage. When men are at the height of their success power and exercise it, we call it a mid-life crisis.” P.103


     
“[Success as panacea and trap:] The less a man is willing to give up a sex object, the more he’ll be trapped into becoming a success object.” P.134


     
“Sex role training becomes divorce training.” P.136


     
“So while in men’s magazines success is a power tool to get sex and love, and therefore the “look of success” is crucial, in women’s magazines love and sex are power tools to get success—and therefore both the “look of love” and the sexual tease/promise are crucial.” P.78-9
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